What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 02:11
She found it foreign!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Do you wear tights for warmth or to make your legs look better?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My family never makes their pension either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So whats the point in blame.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We all went to grammer schools
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was scared of men, in general
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He knew the spot.
If an abortion doesn’t affect you, why do people make it a big deal?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why do I get stressed when I go to bed?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was seconnd youngest,
He resisted the act ,that day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Is it considered rude to comment on someone's weight? Is it simply stating a fact?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It was going to be , some day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it wasn’t much.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was in good health!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
All the time i was locked up.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I said to her
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were not on the streets..
What did i know ?
Was to survive, this bastard.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She loved him until the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I think the readers, may guess!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i lived it daily.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why did i forgive my father ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot live in the past .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was 9 years of age.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But, we were locked up after school.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Would this be the day?
My life is so biszare .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She wouldn,t have been !
I waited trembling.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She married twice! .
This is soul school!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I have no regrets .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Ive learnt so much.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Especially a lifetime of it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was very sick at this time too.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When she asked me how she looked .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I don,t even have a pension.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Comes on , in middle age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!